Sup bitches! Pardon my late posting today—editorial duties at my day job are in overdrive, so I’ve got quite a lot to juggle, but I couldn't let my babies down either. Since I’m a bit too mentally overwhelmed to get into some deep philosophical or emotional type post, I thought I’d keep things light and talk about one of my biggest guilty pleasures, Love & Hip-Hop.
If you’ve been following my writing on here for a long time, then you know how far back my love for trashy reality television goes. I’m a self-proclaimed addict of all the Satanic Real Housewives series—even those spin-offs they did in London and Melbourne. If I’m not watching one of those (which is pretty unlikely considering there’s always one on) chances are it’s Cops, Basketball Wives, a cooking show, or today’s topic: the infinitely ratchet mess that is Love & Hip-Hop: Hollywood.
One of the greatest (and sickest) things about these shows is the way they’re scheduled to perfectly rotate around one another—as soon as one season ends, there’s a new season starting just a couple days after. So when Love & Hip-Hop: Atlanta wrapped up their last sloppy season, I was overjoyed to find there would be a new addition to the #LHH branch in Hollywood. Comprised mainly of a bunch of people no one’s ever heard of before (besides Soulja who hardly even filmed), it managed to be quite possibly the grossest, most embarrassing, shame-inducing season yet—and I loved every fucking second of it. Now that it's wrapped and I’ve just watched reunions part one and two (a 2nd time, had to polish up for y’all), here’s my two cents on the characters, dramas, and griminess…
First off lemme start with my favorite, Hazel E. And when I say she’s my favorite I don’t mean because I fuck with her in any capacity, but just because she’s the biggest mess I’ve seen on TV since Honey Boo-Boo’s mom. Honestly, I do feel a lil bad being so mean and judgmental about a woman I never met, especially in a physical capacity. I’d never dream of making fun of someone’s body type or facial structure under normal, real-life circumstances; in fact I’m very sensitive to that shit. But when you sign up for a flashy TV show essentially based off looks and your corny, desperate personality does nothing to help better the situation, I can’t help but roast your ass. These bitches sit up and cry on the reunion shows afterwards like, “People are judging us and don’t even know us,” but be a fucking realist.
It’s like homegirl Nia who wants Soulja to settle down with her—don’t your girls know who you’re dating? Like, no matter what, no rapper is settling down. He might have a bottom bitch, but until he gets to an age where it’s just too exhausting, there will always be other women and priorities around. Men cheat and can’t be trusted to begin with, so how the fuck should it be any different for a 24-year-old millionaire rapper? Not to mention one who’s incredibly immature and blocks you on Instagram every time you have an argument. To be with men like that who’ll never put you first, you either gotta understand what it is and be cool with it, or keep it fucking moving. That’s all Ima say about Nia—back to Hazel though.
Aside from the fact that Hazel just looks destroyed—my man calls her Donkey from Shrek—the hardest pill for me to swallow with this broad is how corny she is. First of all, fix your face. Second of all, how are you 34-years-old and still look like you put your outfit together off a stand on the corner of Broadway and Broome? Third of all, please listen to these bars of fire my girl laid down for the reunion. All that alone would already be enough to nominate her Struggliest of the cast, but then she had to go and solidify it with this humiliating Yung Berg relationship. Normally when it comes to man/woman relationship drama, I side with the woman because I can relate, but in this case he made it so fucking clear he wasn’t interested in a serious relationship that it actually became frustrating to watch. Definitely not the example other girls should be following. I mean shit bitch, stand up for yourself. Be a woman. Drop his ass! It was only after this dude played her out a million times and she broke out her sad ass “My Love Letter Is A Four-Page” confession that she went and posted a flick of his unimpressive dick on her blog. Super wack. You obviously would’ve jumped off a bridge for dude, Vienna sausage or not, so stop fronting. Anyway, onto the next, but definitely don’t forget to listed to her rap in case you missed it. Early Christmas present from me.
Now for Yung Berg AKA Yung Herb. I don’t know if it’s just me, but something about this guy came off super insecure to me all season. You can tell guys like Soulja and Ray J (wack as he is) have a certain level of male confidence; Berg’s is different, it seems way too forced to me. Sure, we may have found out on the reunion that half the female cast have had his now infamously small dick in their mouths, but that doesn't mean shit, they’re all basic thots anyway. I think he might be hiding something—and I ain’t the only one. Hmmm.
Masika, Masika, Masika. At first I thought I kind of liked this chick, but then it quickly became evident that she’s the type of bitch I actually hate most—the fake, gold-digging, fly-me-out-for-the-weekend-Daddy type of bitch. And like, why are you still rocking a Monroe piercing? It’s almost 2015…
As for her nemesis Nikki Baby, I can’t say she’s any better. That thing I said earlier about not judging women’s bodies? I lied a little bit. I’ll admit it, even if I sound like a hater, I’m generally against surgery. Look, if you’ve got a fucked up nose or you want new teeth or you got facial filler a couple times in your life, that’s no biggie. If it’s minimally invasive and subtly making something look more like you thought it was supposed to—even though flaws are beautiful—that’s fine. But it’s these bitches that are wrongly redefining the vision of female beauty with their blown up lips, fake titties, silicone asses, and scalpel-chiseled waists that disgust me. You’re not low, bitch. And it's just not fair—you hoes aren't leveling the playing field at all here. I love how Nikki said on the reunion that her ass isn’t fake either. If that thing isn’t full of silicone, it’s either lifted or injected, and if I’m wrong about that then maybe I don’t know shit about the female body after 24 years on Earth.
What else, what else? Oh yeah, Mally Mall looks like a giant foreskin and Nikki’s mom looks like Jafar. That said, and even though mom dukes should have never come on the show, if Masika told my Mother “Twerk, nana, twerk” I’d have stabbed her in the face with my Giuseppe.
Teairra Marí is the only other one on the cast besides Soulja that I would say has some star power, but I really don’t have much to say about her either. I hate bitches that are always trying to fight—reminds me of me at 15 just trying to get attention. For a tender 27-year-old though, I will say she could definitely get her look together a bit better. Fuck all that shit that dickless cornball Sincere said about her being fat, that was totally out of line—but she could certainly use a more flattering stylist. Regarding Berg’s claim on part two of the reunion that she gave him head, I can’t seem to decide who I think is lying. Based on their faces though, I’d have to lean towards her.
Wrapping up, since I’m amazed how much I can actually talk about this shit, Omari and his boo are cute, so nothing to say there really, Fizz and his baby moms were whatevs, his cheating girlfriend was super gross and shady, Ray J wishes he was Kanye so bad, and Princess and Morgan are more boring to me than a Life Alert commercial. A lot of people (even my friends) will act ashamed about watching shows like these and boycott them altogether, but to me it’s just like seeing a fight or embarrassing display of humanity on the subway. It might be morally wrong but…how the fuck can you look away? Oooh, I can’t wait for Love & Hip-Hop: New York! In the words of Yung Herb, “Turn up then, shawty” *whips t-shirt*