Hi babies! This week there were quite a few possible topics floating around, so I decided to peruse the blog comments (which are fucking lovely by the way, thank you guys!) and fulfill one of your requests. A few of you asked me to talk about Instagram and how it can ruin a relationship, and even though I’m slightly reluctant to discuss this because it’s very relevant to my life, it’s just too juicy a discussion to pass up. It’s insane to think that this silly little app could completely transform the model of so many modern relationships, but it really has. It actually scares me.
Admittedly, and I’ve said this many times, I’m a very jealous person. When it comes to my boyfriend, everything makes me jealous: past women in his life, places he’ll be where I know there’ll be women, women musicians whose music he likes. I’m even jealous of the fucking jeans he wears because they get to be on his dick all day and I don’t. That’s just keeping it a hundred. But that level of adoration often comes with a bit (or a lot) of craziness. It would’ve been stressful enough being in a relationship with my level of jealousy back in the day, before an app could literally track your every move and the move of everyone you move with, but now? Lord, I’ve literally stayed up entire nights trying to get to the bottom of some IG shit.
One thing all men must know about women is that we’re all unofficial private investigators. If the FBI could see how nasty I get uncovering Internet lies they’d send someone over in an armored car to hire me right now. It’s nothing against one man in particular, but I just don’t 100% any man. Call me jaded or sad or whatever, but to me the fact that men can’t be trusted is as evident as something like evolution. It’s practically a scientific fact, one that’s proven itself to me countless times, so who am I to try and disprove it? That doesn’t mean I don’t 100% adore my boyfriend—I just know that scientifically speaking, not to mention common-sense-wise, it’s extremely unrealistic to believe a man will never betray or cheat on you, physically or emotionally.
So anyway, here you have us detective women, and then here are these dudes who swear they’re slick, yet are actually complete morons who have no idea how good we really are. They think, “My girl will see if I like this chick’s photo. So I’m just gonna go mad deep into her archives like a creep and leave a comment, she won’t see that.” WRONG. If you’ve left a comment on a woman’s photo, we’ve seen it, even if it was from five years before we ever dated you. I mean, get real dawgs. We’re not just looking at your feed. We’re looking at your boys feed. And his boys feed. And the feed of the slutty chicks who hang out with your boys. If you don’t get caught in a lie on your own shit, you’ll definitely get caught in theirs.
Another one I love—liking other bitches photos when your girl is sleeping. This one kills me. To be so calculated in your creep game that you strictly like photos of basketball plays and Jordan’s during the day, but then lurk on hoes between 2-5? It’s almost commendably scumbag-ish. Not only do I know this shit from personal experience, but just see for yourself if you ever have to get up and take a piss at six in the morning.
The comments, the liking girls pictures, the shit with girls liking their pictures, the eyeball emoji’s under a body shot—that alone would be enough to destroy a relationship, but then they had to go an introduce this fucking DM shit.
Now a lot of people might be like, “Wait, this is a double standard. You post slutty pics all the time and guys constantly leave thirsty comments under them for your boyfriend to see.” The difference? A. My man isn't jealous. B. He, I, and the entire world know exactly where my loyalty lies. No man (OK, maybe besides JR) could seduce me off the Internet. That’s laughable to me. Like I’m gonna fall for some dude because he puts a heart under all my photos, or get swept off my feet by the disgusting pigs DMing me dick pics? Women don’t want that shit, at least not for the most part. The kind of guys we want are the ones who would be way too cool to even go hard like that in the first place! But when a woman does that on a man’s photos? Stroking their ego with little messages and kissy faces, DMing them naked photos, it’s entirely different. It’s an instant signal to their brain like, “Hey, this chick wants to fuck. I still got it!”
The troubling shit with this is that sometimes it is as innocent as it looks. It’s just a comment or just a photo. But alas, as I’ve learned through my own experience—and powerful female intuition, never ignore it—often times it’s exactly what you think it is. And so we’re torn between rationality and irrationality—do I freak out over this dude because this one girl has trolled his shit one too many times, or do I rationalize the situation and tell myself “It’s nothing?” That said, plenty of couples do make it work. I salute the females who are far more secure and confident than me and don’t even entertain that bullshit—sadly I’m just not emotionally mature enough.
I know so many men (and ladies) reading this would roll their eyes and think, “grow up,” but these aren’t just teenage issues anymore. I see this stuff affecting couples of all ages. I mean, if you’re up to no good, it’s like you’ve literally left a trail of breadcrumbs, but composed of square-format photos and IP addresses instead. Other guys might say I have to learn to trust, or that someday I’ll “be able to trust,” but like I said, this isn’t some bitter grudge I hold against men. It’s as simple as a bear shitting in the woods. If given the opportunity, men will and always do creep. And if you’ve met a rare one that negates my theory, I applaud and bow to you. I just think he’d have to be made out of cardboard or something.
Lastly, even though my focus in this post was pointing out male discrepancies, that’s not to say women aren’t cheaters or untrustworthy either. Speaking from my heart though, which has always been full of neuroses and guilt, cheating is something I’m not built for, or if I am I have yet to find out. I lose sleep over things I’ve done wrong by practical strangers, so the thought of betraying the love of my life alone makes me cringe. And even though more and more women are getting “male” mentalities, I still think that scientifically speaking, our excess of emotions in comparison to men are what keep us from being unfaithful.
How sad is it that I can’t remember major historical dates but I can remember the exact date, time, and outfit I was wearing when a dude leaves a thumbs up on a bitches selfie? SMH.